My 10 month old!

I am finally posting about my little girl! She is an absolute joy. She is the smiley baby and smiles at everything and everyone. I am so in love with this girl! She is very snuggly and loves to be center of attention and is very verbal..wonder where she gets all that? She is eating very well, is in a big girl car seat and loves taking baths with her brother. Her new things are to wave bye-bye and we do start them young in our house because if you say touchdown, she holds her hands up above her head! The young lady she is with in one of the pics is our babysitter and very good friend, Allison! Easy name to remember. The baby she is with is her bff Harper, my bff Carri's little girl. They are about 2 months apart in age. Harper just turned one...and it will be Kaitlyn's turn soon! Amazing. Again, she is a joy...sorry it has taken so long to post about my precious girl!

Mason Carter Noah Nance

Our dear friends, MaryBeth and Jason Nance lost their son last week suddenly. He was seven, was going to be eight in April. He has an two older sisters, Jenny who is 12 and Michaela who preceded him in death in 95, who was stillborn. He was an absolute delight to know and to be around. We missed out on the oppurtunity to see him very much since we live so far apart, but the time we were together he was full of life and joy. The comments I have read talked about his presence, his joy and his laughter. He loved sports, baseball especially. Every picture I saw of him was with this amazing huge smile and twinkle in his eye that boyish mischief was just around the corner. We got to hold him when he was only months old and the joy of being his godparents. The world no longer has a shining light, but heaven has an AMAZING angel. What a blessing Mason was in this world, what an impact he made in his short little life. We love you Mas, and can't to see you soon!!

God is my strong tower

My heart is a little heavy tonight. Since everything with my mom, I have become a "blog stalker". Here are people that I have never met and now some of them are my friends on Facebook, and I talk about them like I know them! They have become a part of my life, but through all of these blogs I have been encouraged in my grief, inspired by their dedication and love to God, and uplifted by their stories. There are several links to those blogs in my sidebar, please check some of them when you have a chance. Kelly's story has a FANTASTIC ending, and Jenna's baby is doing so well. And then of course, Angie whose story has touched lives all over theh world!

Some not so well, there was a little girl Cora who three weeks ago was diagnosed with cancer, and is now with the Lord. She was only 10 months old. I was devastated. Just the day before she survived a surgery, and now she is dancing with Jesus. It doesn't seem fair, nor right. Of course, way too young. She and Kaitlyn were only weeks apart. I guess that is why it has really hit close to home. I KNOW, KNOW, KNOW that God is going to do something good from this, I KNOW He is. Her parents love Him and He promises to work all things good for those who love the Lord. This situation is the absolute farthest from good, but God will create something good and will meet their needs, for their lives will never be the same.

I guess this death brings fear out of me again. I am thinking, okay God I have conquered the fear about my mom, but please don't take my little girl, so then I am fearful all over again! It has made me hug my sweet precious one a little closer. I look back too and think, oh my goodness, she is already this old, have I taken enough pics, written enough down, and her baby book, it has even begun!

So all of this to say, refer to last post! I was rereading it and I have to remember, don't have peace in abstract things, but in the fact that the will of God (even though we don't even come close to understanding it) knows better than we. And when all of the whys come up, we stand on what we KNOW, not on what we FEEL.

Another reason for my sadness is that this Wednesday marks one year since Lauren's death. Lauren was a magnificent youth in our church who would babysit Andrew. She was on her way home after picking something up from her dad's office with her brother and lost control of her car. It was devestating and our youth are still realing from it. Please be in prayer for them, for her parents and her brothers. The family is all so completely dear, and very close to us. In fact, Kaitlyn's middle name Michelle is after Lauren. The boy Colton I have asked prayer for is in the same class that Lauren was, so please pray for the class as they are dealing with everything. (BTW, Colton is doing very well).

Sorry for the long, sad post, but it feels so good to share this with others. Please know that through this fear (which I know is from Satan), this saddness I still see God's magnificent glory, His unending love and His hand upon all of us. Tomorrow will be a new day and new time to see his Glory shine in new and amazing ways!

I love you all and thank you for walking this journey together!

If God loved me, then...

With this month being the "month of love" I started to think about God's love for us. Now I know that that is a MASSIVE subject that could be an entire course in seminary if needed be, but I wanted to cover just one subject. It being, if God loved me why didn't He...(fill in the blank). Isn't funny that at times in order for us to love and follow God, things have to be a certain way? But God has ABSOLUTELY no conditions, He loves us where are, He loves us b/c of the way we are! For example, when my mom was first diagnosed I told God that I would never talk to Him again if He didn't save my mom, but as her death came near I realized that I could not survive without God, and in a tearful prayer begged Him to keep from bitterness.

I met with a dear friend of mine who has experienced a loss in her life and we were talking about how sometimes people who pray for healing, or for someone who is ill thinks, "well God is loving and kind so of course He is going to heal this person". Well, we then talked about, why do some people die? Why did my mom die? Or this little three year old I found in the blogging world, or little boy of someone I found in the blogging world. Did God just not listen to those parent's/child's prayers? Did He not love them enough? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! Think about these things:

1. God can see the bigger picture. He could see that a bigger purpose was going to be taking place than just these deaths. That people could be saved, or things that we don't even see could happen due to these untimely deaths. Also, His purpose had been complete in these lives. Weird I know since some of them were only children, but they had been complete.
2. Do you think that God didn't love His Son, heck no! He loved Him more than anything, but He knew His death would bring eternal salvation and although it pained Him more than anything, He allowed it to happen to allow his perfect plan to happen.
3. Everything on this life is a drop into the water compared to heaven. We are here on Earth to learn more about Him, and spread His word to others who don't know Him so we can all go to heaven. This is just a gateway to our Eternal life!

Which leads me to my last thought. Why does God save others like serial killers and allow my mom to die an early death? Well, these killers need to know Jesus, and be saved. Wouldn't you want them to have an oppurtunity to be saved than to die not knowing Jesus? My mom knew Jesus, loved Jesus and was ready to go home, these others aren't. So God is going to wait to take them so they can be saved.

So in this season of love, remember God DOES love us, and has a perfect plan for all our lives, we just need to accept it without conditions.

Love to you all!!!!!

What is your testimony?

Last week I gave a devotion at an Upwards basketball game (so cute to watch by the way). As I was preparing to say, God put something on my heart, something I really wasn't in the mood to talk about. Joy. I have been really trying to choose joy over saddness. Last week marked two months and I guess the adrinalin of everything has worn off and the reality has set in. The "have to live everyday without my mom" has set in. I was talking to someone today and I was saying how I have to have a new idenity, and that all of my insecurities are coming back. I don't have that "if everyone in the world turns their back on me, I still have my mom" in my life anymore. That makes me feel so alone. It makes me want to give up, throw in the towel and say no more! But...I am trying to choose joy,
choose life,
choose smiling when I want to cry
choose getting up, making my bed and face the day
because I KNOW that I am loved by a God who is with me now, tomorrow and is the same the whole time. So I choose joy, to honor God by being a living testimony to Him. By shining His love, grace to others. Please pray for me. I love you all and appreciate this venue to share my heart, I hope you don't mind.

My friend Mandi had this on her blog and it really stirred me, I hope you enjoy it. My cardboard would read:

Couldn't trust God
Living in peace through His perfect will

copy and paste in your address bar: (couldn't get the link to work)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvDDc5RB6FQ&feature=related

I have been tagged

David's wonderful aunt..who happens to now be one of my dear friends :)...tagged me. You are supposed to go to your fourth folder you keep your pics in, and find the fourth photo and talk about it. Soo......

I love this photo, Kaitlyn was less than an hour old..look at those cheeks! When I first looked at her, I thought..didn't I do give birth to this baby before?! Kaitlyn looked exactly like her brother, in fact our peditrician always comments how they look alike. This was a wonderful moment, a moment I will remember forever, the moment I looked into my daughter's eyes and knew we would have such a special mother/daughter relationship. I had always wanted a girl, to dress up, to love, to talk with, and I got her. I look at her every day and can't believe she is mine. I am so glad to be a mommy of a girl! I love this girl, in fact in a couple of weeks I get to post about my nine month old. I had to take her into the doctor b/c she had some pimples and I wanted the Dr. to look at it, and she weighed 18 pounds already. How time flies!

Okay, now I am to tag four friends. I tag Molly, Leanne, Krystal and Carri. Remember, go to your fourth folder and choose your fourth folder. Love to you all!!!

Change is going on in our house!``

Hello friends, well I have some big news...no I am not pregnant (hopefully we are done with that), after ten years at the same company, David gave his resignation yeseterday! He has been an auditor with Deloitte and Touche and has made it up all the way to senior manager. We have been praying what to do about his job. He was asked if we wanted to move to Houston since he was working on a client down there, to eventually become partner, but we didn't think the timing was right. I am glad we didn't b/c it was right before mom got sick. So we kept praying that we would know what to do, and one day a person from BOK called and said that there is a job opening and would he like to come in for an interview. See, the CFO is a good friend of ours at our church and was curious to see if David would be interested. He sent his resume in just out of curiosity, and three months, three interviews later..here we are! David is now an employee at BOK. We are excited about this move, but it is change, and change is always hard, but God has had His hand in it the whole time, so we know it is from Him, and He will direct our paths. Please pray for us as we do make this transition, and pray for David as he leaves friends and coworkers that he has known for 10 years and starts out in something completely new.

I do want to take this time to brag on my husband...David Allen Stephens (who just turned 33 last week..we are the same age for 5 months!) is the most hard-working, dedicated man I know. He wakes up at 5:00 so I can be at work at 6:30, so he can be home by 7:00 to see his family. When he is faced with a challenge, he rises to the occasion and meets it head on. When he works for you expect 100%, because that is what you are going to get, no middle ground for him. After working all day, he comes home and helps out at home. Daddy is king at our house, Kaitlyn glows when he walks in the room and the first thing out of Andrew's mouth every day is where is Daddy. He also is a wonderful husband, and my best friend. I love him more than life itself and don't know where I would be without him. Most importantly, He loves His God and serves Him daily. He is a walking testimony of trusting Him with all things and knowing that He is going to meet us right where are, we just have to be still and know he is coming. David is a quiet man, but when you get him alone, he is hysterical. I am so proud of him and all he has worked for, and it is my biggest blessing in life to be called Mrs. David Stephens.