Nobody but God

So I have 5 weeks before I hold little boy. We spent the weekend buying carseats (one for baby and one for Andrew), getting the cradle, taking down clothes, and putting together the changing table. Even though these are things that I have wanted to get done and I was glad when they were accomplished, it brought up mixed emotions. Why God? Why am I having this baby and my mom is not here? How am I going to let this precious child know of her wonderfulness, of her love...how? You know how close I was to her, how much we loved taking the kids places together, and now you have left me alone. The whole weekend I just wanted to crawl into a ball and stay in bed. I cried tears in church on Sunday as I fight standing in God's love, His strength and His promises, but feeling anger and bitterness that is constantly there trying to make its ugly prescence known. There are days I don't want to get out of bed and the past two days have been those days, but I know how better I feel when I get out, so out I went.

This morning was MOPS, and as I am fighting off very real dreams about my mom, I get ready. Andrew is fighing me, Kaitlyn is being drama, but by golly I am going! So I get there, put a smile on my face and check in. The girl that checked me in, who I see all the time asked me if my mom was Dena Bonner. I said yes, she said she was her student at Grove and because of her she became a teacher. Okay, more tears, but good tears this time, because I get to remember all the kids she did inspire. Then we go in and there is a panel where are asking questions and this sweet girl asks how do we tell our kids about heaven. I was able to add something that was said and as I was talking realized she was really upset. My friends told me that she just lost her mom right before Christmas.

Wow.

I don't know if what I said helped her or ministered to her in anyway, but it ministered to me. It told me, that through my pain and my grief and my questioning, that God is in control. Period. End of sentence. I can question this until I am blue in the face, but God knows why and if it is His will He is going to reveal it to me, otherwise, keep trusting Him. He is going to meet me every step of the way, even at my lowest point, He will be there. Always.

I just had to share that with you, and put it down in words so I can go back and reread it to keep reminding myself that God does care, He does love, there is a purpose and I am going to be welcoming a new little one in 5 weeks with many people to love him here on Earth AND in Heaven!

Blizzard 2009

Here are some pics of my 3 favorite people in the world playing in the snow. Andrew ran and dove in the minute he hit the snow. My precious girl stayed on the ramp and watched and then Daddy walked her over. She was fine if she stayed where she was and her hands didn't get cold, you will notice that she keeps looking down at them!

When viewing it, click on the pics and you can get a bigger view of them. Enjoy!

Make a Smilebox photobook

Kaitlyn Michelle Stephens

This girl is the light of my life. She has a smile that could light up a room and at 20 months is at my favorite stage. She is "talking", but does repeat things we say. She does say shoes, bye-bye, night-night, mimi(passy), mommy, daddy, papa, grammy, bubba. Her favorite person in this world is her bubba. She usually takes a nap while he is at school and when I go in and get her, I say, "Let's go get bubba" and off to the door she goes. Then when she sees him in line, she squeals, and squeals! She loves shoes and loves to take mine out of the closet and line them up. She also loves animals, especially puppies.

The first week in December she broke her elbow! She was trying to climb up on the couch with us, lost her balance and "landed just right" on her elbow. We took her into the Pediatric Urgent Care and they did an x-ray and put it in a sling. If you even looked at, she would cringe and cry. The minute she had the sling on though she was off and running. She even tried to climb up the couch again when we got home! The next day we went to the Orthepedic and they put a full arm bright pink cast on her! She wore it for three weeks...she was a trooper. For the first week the she did not use that arm at all, but after awhile realized she could use her fingers and started holding things with the broken arm.

That night in her sling!

Then right before Christmas she had a big week! She got the cast off! Yeah and then she got her cut! A lot for a 1 1/2 year old! When the cast came off, she cried so sad. The saw scared her and it was loud. I did video it to remember by, but when I watched it I cried to see her so upset. She has had it off for awhile now and she is still my little climber.

Here is a slideshow of that week, enjoy!

Make a Smilebox collage

Kaitlyn, you are my joy. Thank you for your laughter, for your smiles, hugs and kisses. Thank you for getting so excited when you see someone you love. We are the only girls, so we are going to have so much fun together doing girly things...I love you so much!