Nobody but God

So I have 5 weeks before I hold little boy. We spent the weekend buying carseats (one for baby and one for Andrew), getting the cradle, taking down clothes, and putting together the changing table. Even though these are things that I have wanted to get done and I was glad when they were accomplished, it brought up mixed emotions. Why God? Why am I having this baby and my mom is not here? How am I going to let this precious child know of her wonderfulness, of her love...how? You know how close I was to her, how much we loved taking the kids places together, and now you have left me alone. The whole weekend I just wanted to crawl into a ball and stay in bed. I cried tears in church on Sunday as I fight standing in God's love, His strength and His promises, but feeling anger and bitterness that is constantly there trying to make its ugly prescence known. There are days I don't want to get out of bed and the past two days have been those days, but I know how better I feel when I get out, so out I went.

This morning was MOPS, and as I am fighting off very real dreams about my mom, I get ready. Andrew is fighing me, Kaitlyn is being drama, but by golly I am going! So I get there, put a smile on my face and check in. The girl that checked me in, who I see all the time asked me if my mom was Dena Bonner. I said yes, she said she was her student at Grove and because of her she became a teacher. Okay, more tears, but good tears this time, because I get to remember all the kids she did inspire. Then we go in and there is a panel where are asking questions and this sweet girl asks how do we tell our kids about heaven. I was able to add something that was said and as I was talking realized she was really upset. My friends told me that she just lost her mom right before Christmas.

Wow.

I don't know if what I said helped her or ministered to her in anyway, but it ministered to me. It told me, that through my pain and my grief and my questioning, that God is in control. Period. End of sentence. I can question this until I am blue in the face, but God knows why and if it is His will He is going to reveal it to me, otherwise, keep trusting Him. He is going to meet me every step of the way, even at my lowest point, He will be there. Always.

I just had to share that with you, and put it down in words so I can go back and reread it to keep reminding myself that God does care, He does love, there is a purpose and I am going to be welcoming a new little one in 5 weeks with many people to love him here on Earth AND in Heaven!