Nobody but God

So I have 5 weeks before I hold little boy. We spent the weekend buying carseats (one for baby and one for Andrew), getting the cradle, taking down clothes, and putting together the changing table. Even though these are things that I have wanted to get done and I was glad when they were accomplished, it brought up mixed emotions. Why God? Why am I having this baby and my mom is not here? How am I going to let this precious child know of her wonderfulness, of her love...how? You know how close I was to her, how much we loved taking the kids places together, and now you have left me alone. The whole weekend I just wanted to crawl into a ball and stay in bed. I cried tears in church on Sunday as I fight standing in God's love, His strength and His promises, but feeling anger and bitterness that is constantly there trying to make its ugly prescence known. There are days I don't want to get out of bed and the past two days have been those days, but I know how better I feel when I get out, so out I went.

This morning was MOPS, and as I am fighting off very real dreams about my mom, I get ready. Andrew is fighing me, Kaitlyn is being drama, but by golly I am going! So I get there, put a smile on my face and check in. The girl that checked me in, who I see all the time asked me if my mom was Dena Bonner. I said yes, she said she was her student at Grove and because of her she became a teacher. Okay, more tears, but good tears this time, because I get to remember all the kids she did inspire. Then we go in and there is a panel where are asking questions and this sweet girl asks how do we tell our kids about heaven. I was able to add something that was said and as I was talking realized she was really upset. My friends told me that she just lost her mom right before Christmas.

Wow.

I don't know if what I said helped her or ministered to her in anyway, but it ministered to me. It told me, that through my pain and my grief and my questioning, that God is in control. Period. End of sentence. I can question this until I am blue in the face, but God knows why and if it is His will He is going to reveal it to me, otherwise, keep trusting Him. He is going to meet me every step of the way, even at my lowest point, He will be there. Always.

I just had to share that with you, and put it down in words so I can go back and reread it to keep reminding myself that God does care, He does love, there is a purpose and I am going to be welcoming a new little one in 5 weeks with many people to love him here on Earth AND in Heaven!

Blizzard 2009

Here are some pics of my 3 favorite people in the world playing in the snow. Andrew ran and dove in the minute he hit the snow. My precious girl stayed on the ramp and watched and then Daddy walked her over. She was fine if she stayed where she was and her hands didn't get cold, you will notice that she keeps looking down at them!

When viewing it, click on the pics and you can get a bigger view of them. Enjoy!

Make a Smilebox photobook

Kaitlyn Michelle Stephens

This girl is the light of my life. She has a smile that could light up a room and at 20 months is at my favorite stage. She is "talking", but does repeat things we say. She does say shoes, bye-bye, night-night, mimi(passy), mommy, daddy, papa, grammy, bubba. Her favorite person in this world is her bubba. She usually takes a nap while he is at school and when I go in and get her, I say, "Let's go get bubba" and off to the door she goes. Then when she sees him in line, she squeals, and squeals! She loves shoes and loves to take mine out of the closet and line them up. She also loves animals, especially puppies.

The first week in December she broke her elbow! She was trying to climb up on the couch with us, lost her balance and "landed just right" on her elbow. We took her into the Pediatric Urgent Care and they did an x-ray and put it in a sling. If you even looked at, she would cringe and cry. The minute she had the sling on though she was off and running. She even tried to climb up the couch again when we got home! The next day we went to the Orthepedic and they put a full arm bright pink cast on her! She wore it for three weeks...she was a trooper. For the first week the she did not use that arm at all, but after awhile realized she could use her fingers and started holding things with the broken arm.

That night in her sling!

Then right before Christmas she had a big week! She got the cast off! Yeah and then she got her cut! A lot for a 1 1/2 year old! When the cast came off, she cried so sad. The saw scared her and it was loud. I did video it to remember by, but when I watched it I cried to see her so upset. She has had it off for awhile now and she is still my little climber.

Here is a slideshow of that week, enjoy!

Make a Smilebox collage

Kaitlyn, you are my joy. Thank you for your laughter, for your smiles, hugs and kisses. Thank you for getting so excited when you see someone you love. We are the only girls, so we are going to have so much fun together doing girly things...I love you so much!

2010?!

Is it really 2010? Will I really be 35 this year!? That is not cool!

Well, I made it my first full year without my best friend. I did it totally with God's strength. I could not have gotten out of bed on some days without Him. But here I am, the first full year behind me and I am proud of myself. Now this isn't something I want to be excited about, because I wish with all my heart I didn't have to go through it. But at the same time I know I can trust God to take care of me, I can trust Him when everything insides me tells me not to, I can love God and worship God when the world is crashing down around me, and where I have come, that is saying a lot. There was a time I ran from God, said I could not trust Him, and now at my weakest, I trust Him now more than ever. Do I have my bad days, yes! Will I have my bad days? Yes. But I know I can get through it, I can survive, it won't consume me and this coming year I will come out praising our Savior!

This year Andrew will turn 6, Kaitlyn will turn 2 and I will have a little one sleeping in our room. What a year! What a year full of hope, love and peace.

Happy New Year to you, to your family and God bless you all!

Silver Dollar City lights

Here are some great pics of our family trip to see the lights of Silver Dollar City. It was right before the weekend that marked my mom's passing. I really wanted to get away, and do something with my family, so we went to see the lights at Branson, and stayed in my in-law's trailer. We went shopping at the outlet malls, and Branson landing. Then went to Silver Dollar City...we had a wonderful time and David and I were pleasantly suprised that they brought in the real reason for Christmas everywhere we went.

A funny story, during the light parade they have characters come up to you, and Frosty came up to us and Andrew goes, there is a song about you! It was so cute! I love the innocence of youth!

Hope you enjoy the pics!

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Learning

I thought that I had tackled everything I was supposed to regarding my mom's death...and in some ways I have, but in some ways I haven't. Especially in regarding the pregnancy. I am counting the days until I see his sweet face, hear his sweet sounds and smell is sweet smells. But, I am going to do it without my mom. Why is God allowing this to happen? I don't know now, I might not ever know, but what I do know is that I can't be strong alone. I have been at peace this past year, and have felt God's strength, but I am going to have to really hold onto his hand like never before. Because there are times where I feel like I have lost my biggest supporter, my biggest fan, the one who understands me the most and at times like that I have to fight the lonliness that overtakes me at times.

One day I was sitting in my car really feeling low when I heard this song come on the radio, and it spoke to me like never before. I have met Josh, for he married our pastor's daughter, but this really spoke to me that day in the car, and I continue to listen to it, draw from it's truths and draw from the verse:

Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you, for I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you...Jer 29:11

Here are the words:

Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can, but I don't know how long I'll last


I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am because You're all I have

Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me


Have an amazing day, and continue to draw from His strength!

Camping with friends

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

We were able to get away with some friends at Mal Var in Gore, OK. We made some wonderful memories and had TONS of fun! Thanks Shonda, Clay and Quinn for being such good bunk mates!!

Hope you are all doing well...we go in Tuesday for our BIG ultrasound, pray for a success and Baby boy is doing well! I will keep you updated!!